Episode 4 - Part 2/2: Crackerjacks & Joe's Cellar (May 7, 2018)

Joe's Cellar | NW Portland

I assure you it's actually Joe's Cellar. 

Established: 1941

First Drinks: Beam n' Coke (Alfredo)...Rainier tallboy (NPG)

Interesting Food:  "Working Man's Special" (biscuits & gravy and coffee for $3 from 7-10 a.m. daily) 

NOTE: Didn't order since we were there in the evening, but that is a GREAT sign of a dive bar's quality when they still consider themselves a working man's (or woman's) hangout and price things accordingly. 
"AROUSE HER!"

Men's Room: 2/5 urinal pucks (just generally run down in a nondescript kinda way...thought-provoking condom machines keep it from being a 1-puck stop)

RANDOM ASIDE: What is the DEAL with these condom machines? I'm going to guess they generate about $6 of revenue annually. Who the hell is buying these things? Also, what's with the commanding copy next to the "studded" version -- "AROUSE HER!" So much pressure! ALSO, I want a tour of the marketing agency that landed the "dive bar men's room condom dispenser" account. Great work everyone! 

Musings: 


Soon-to-be-demolished vintage coolers
Joe's Cellar has been a favorite of mine ever since I first set foot in its dank, but friendly confines in 2010. I know it's only a matter of time before it is inevitably bulldozed to make way for another twee gastropub or $3000/month condo. Joe's was spared the wrecking ball a few years ago, but "progress" will overcome it sooner than later. 

So it was with a feeling of great fondness and grim acceptance that we stopped in on a Monday night. The crowd was good with folks of varied ages, ethnicity, and economic background sprinkled around the joint. 

We enjoyed the luxury of the padded bar (keeps the forearms very comfortable while you hunch over your drink in the dark) and ruminated about the makeshift photo memorials behind the bar. We hoped that one day, after our demise, that we'd be fortunate enough to have an unframed print of us taped up behind a bar like Joe's Cellar -- the ultimate sign of a life well lived. 

luxurious padded bar
Nate ordered a giant glass mug of black coffee while he exercised rare (and somewhat disappointing) sensibility. I told the story of how our mutual friend, Bill, single-handedly MURDERED Rue McClanahan (Blanche from The Golden Girls) one afternoon at Joe's Cellar many moons ago. 

"I believe I ordered the LARGE black dive bar coffee? HELLO!"
(Okay, okay, he didn't technically kill her, but he was so convinced that she was dead and was so shocked to discover that she was alive that when she really did die two days after our conversation, connect the dots and the blame rests squarely and forever on Bill.)

Joe's Cellar...thank you for being a friend. 


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